One day when I was twenty-one

 I've seen two people arguing on the street,

and I've seen a boy carefully holding a girl's hand as they cross the street.

But I've never seen you again

.

At 8:25, I stop on the other side of the street waiting for the traffic light .

Occasionally, a man in his thirties stands beside me holding a child who looks only a few years old.

Occasionally, I see white-collar workers rushing by,

or students in school uniforms with ponytails slowly eating steamed buns.

The red light on the street I cross always lasts 99 seconds.

I always stop for several seconds at the 99-second mark.

At that moment, I look at the people around me.

The song "The Wind Rises" is always playing in my headphones.

I've noticed that the people who pass me most often now are delivery drivers.

I've seen people rushing around,

and I've seen people frantically spilling their food.

I once saw... A female delivery driver.

She was supposed to deliver milk tea, but she spilled two cups.

She stopped there looking a little upset. Then, after thinking for a moment, she picked up the spilled milk tea, drank it herself, and called the customer, saying,

"I'm so sorry I couldn't deliver your order on time."

She bowed and apologized profusely, then turned around and put the other spilled cup in the storage compartment of her electric scooter.

I once asked myself,

"What's the hardest thing to endure in the world?"

I found that my understanding of what "hardest thing to endure" is changes every day.

For example, if I fail my driving test today, I think the hardest thing in the world is taking the driving test.

Or if I play video games all day and my voice becomes hoarse, I think the hardest thing in the world is… Basically, it's about playing PUBG

. Or occasionally, when I encounter difficult clients or bosses, I feel like this world and my job are too hard.

I haven't stayed up late in a long time and I've stopped having nightmares.

I made myself a dreamcatcher,

and it seems to be working a little; I'm sleeping better

now. I remember when I was dating,

if Zhou Zhiyan sent me 52 yuan, I felt like he was giving me a lot.

Now, I feel like even 520 yuan isn't enough for me.

As people grow up, their mindset really does change.

I used to hate people who were overly concerned with money,

and I didn't like my mother's meticulous budgeting.

But today,

I've also started to work towards the so-called future. I started trying

, thinking that if I didn't eat this today, I could save some money

, or I saw a piece of clothing I liked but thought it was too expensive,

so I thought I'd buy it next time.

At 6 PM,

I just got off work and took the back alley home.

My company is very close to my home, but the back alley is far.

I like that alley; it's deserted, and

the old buildings remind me of my childhood.

Ah Shui said that people only dwell on the past when they're not doing well now.

It's not that I'm not doing well;

I just haven't gotten used to growing up yet.

I don't like smiling at colleagues and bosses I don't like every day

, nor do I want to talk to different clients every day.

I especially don't want to spend time... To get to know someone who might leave at any moment.

Strangers always say I'm aloof and unlikable.

I just don't like socializing; sometimes I don't even want to say a word all day. I don't like listening to others' idle chatter.

I especially dislike trying to pry into someone's past or story.

I just want to be in my own world with my best friends. In

my twenty-odd years, I only have a handful of friends.

Not many, but definitely very few.

Many times when I want to say something, I can't find a single person in my entire contact list to talk to.

Telling my best friends makes me afraid they'll worry.

Posting on social media makes me feel unconventional.

Several times I've... I kept deleting and reposting, over and over again.

The old lady who lived downstairs in my old apartment building also passed away.

I heard from others that she had no husband and no children.

When I was little, I would sit on her doorstep to do my homework after school because I didn't have my keys.

She always gave me lots of delicious treats, all kinds of foreign candies

, and told me all sorts of stories I had never heard before.

She had beautiful eyes.

I always thought she must have been a very beautiful girl when she was young. The fast food restaurant downstairs has been demolished, and there are

signs saying "Demolish" on my old apartment.

This place is about to become ruins,

along with my childhood and youth.

I have a scar on my chin.

When I was seven, I bought a floral dress.

While twirling around in front of my apartment building to show it to the other kids,

I tripped and fell, hitting my chin on the concrete and bleeding profusely.

My mother held me and cried for a long time, while

my father was still playing cards with a group of old men at the entrance of the complex. When

I was ten, I secretly kept a goldfish and a turtle.

But the turtle wouldn't eat for a week.

I secretly released it into the Jade Belt River.

The next day, I found its dead body.

My goldfish had died from overeating.

That was the first time I learned about death.

When I was twelve, I got a perfect score on my Chinese homework. My

teacher told me to participate in the provincial competition. In the essay competition,

I only got second place. The teacher said my parents needed to come to the school to pick up the prize.

My mom didn't have time, so she called my dad.

I waited until school ended but he never showed up, and my prize was given to another child.

Later I found out my dad thought I was still in elementary school, so he went to the elementary school.

When I turned eighteen, my dad bought me a

secondhand guitar, which I loved

. But when I went to university,

my dad gave it to my cousin.

Today,

in her attic where she keeps odds and ends, I

found that eighteenth-year-old gift.

Just like my eighteenth birthday,

it was covered in dust and stains that I couldn't remove no matter how hard I tried.